


tazaki's mid life crisis

by unnagi



Category: Joker Game (Anime)
Genre: 90 percent dialogue!!, Gen, characters tag updated as they appear, made fun of hatano's height again, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 15:04:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8494552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnagi/pseuds/unnagi
Summary: “Tazaki, you sounded like you hate the way your current life is. Perhaps you missed the past, and that’s why you had an urge to see all of us. Am I close?"After a decade, Tazaki catches up with other past trainees at d-agency about post-spy life.





	1. camel, lion, child

**Author's Note:**

> dialogue is abundant! 
> 
> i thought of the possibility of the spies quitting, or being released somehow, so i wrote this in attempt to explain their reasoning, and the way they approached life afterwards. you know i thought it was going to be funny but it turned serious T-T
> 
> tazaki is the main character because initially i got the idea of him trying to visit everyone from haruki murakami's colourless tsukuru tazaki (their names don't share the same kanjis but i didn't realise it at the time rip)
> 
> he probably isn't during the mid-life stage yet...but i didn't have a better name for this :o

Tazaki squeezed in between the crowds to find Hatano already sitting at the counter, gazing back at the performance by a jazz trio - a pianist, bassist, and a saxophonist. He looked away from the band just as Tazaki approached.

 

“Tazaki! Do you like this place?” he greeted him with a rare, genuine smile.

 

The other man chuckled, “We haven’t spoken in thirteen years and that’s first thing you ask,” he took a seat, “but I suppose this is a nice place.” Tazaki smiled as he eyed the bar. It was dimly lit, except for the spotlight on the makeshift stage. Streams of chatter and sounds of glasses clinking together blended into the playful music.

 

“You said to meet somewhere convenient. I work here.” With a bored expression, Hatano instinctively tapped his fingers against the wooden surface.

 

“Really - you?” Now that was surprising, and he felt no need to hide it. Tazaki could’ve never imagined that someone like Hatano would decide working at a bar was the next step after quitting from D-Agency.

 

“In a sense. Take a guess.” the younger man leaned in, resting his hand on his palm. Tazaki noticed he didn’t look a year older. His hair was still parted from the middle, although it was messier. And he was wearing glasses, for some reason. Tazaki doubted he had vision problems.

 

“Hm…you’re definitely not a bartender, well - you would hate it, anyway.” Tazaki looked around again, “If I had to guess…you must be the missing element from all this bustle. Jazz doesn’t sound the same without drums, right?” He thought it was strange to see no sign of any percussion instruments being played, and he was right.

 

“I met the pianist over there two years ago. It was after my last mission - for some reason, Yuuki gave me an invitation to a film premier as a parting gift. So I went - worst film I’ve ever seen, by the way. I’ll admit, he got me good that time…anyway, this preppy-looking guy came up to me, and we started a conversation before the showing. I guess he liked Hatano. Well, I don’t want to bother you with the details. Hatano and the pianist kept in contact and eventually started this. I thought it was pretty harmless.” he explained, then ordered drinks for the both of them.

 

“I can’t believe Yuuki-san actually did that - but now that I think of it, D-Agency never had classes that taught anything like that, so I guess I never knew about your musical capabilities…I’d love to see the full quartet perform sometime, you know.”

 

“Do whatever you want. _The Staircase_ performs here often.” Hatano winced a little as he said the name of the combo, “Yes, it’s because the heights of the members run like a staircase.”

 

“I’ll make sure to visit. _The Staircase. It’s an accurate name._ ” Tazaki turned to look at the band. Although the pianist was sitting down, he could tell their heights were just like how Hatano described it.

 

“Well, that’s enough of that…So? What’re you up to, and why did you want to catch up all of a sudden?” As always, Hatano got straight to the point.

 

The bartender had put down their drinks. Tazaki took a sip, and began to spoke, the smile never leaving his face. “Hm…I travelled around the country for a few years, did some birdwatching, stargazing, that kind of thing. You can get around on the train pretty easily, but once you’re in the local area, you can only walk or hitchhike. I enjoyed every second of it, but now I’ve stopped. Frankly, I’m not quite sure what to do next. And about this…I just got the feeling that I should see everyone again.”

 

Hatano smiled cheekily, “Of course you’re the hippie type," he looked back down at the glass, poking the ice with a straw. "But I think I understand. Isn’t it strange? I quitted before everyone else, but I suppose we all experienced similar feelings when that part of our lives ended. The war ended too, a while ago, but it only feels like yesterday, when Yuuki gathered all of us in Tokyo for the entrance exam. Tazaki, you sounded like you hate the way your current life is. Perhaps you missed the past, and that’s why you had an urge to see all of us. Am I close?”

 

“To be honest, I’m not sure either, but maybe you’re right. Lately, Yuuki-san’s words kept coming back to me. Sometimes, it really feels like I’m living in a world full of black solitude.”

 

“Ah…is that so? I guess it’s because we weren’t spoon fed by propaganda, religion, or anything like that. Nationalism gave the people something to believe in, but we were out of the loop. Even then, spying was a time-consuming task that distracted you. When you return to the world of norms again, with nothing to worry about, it’s hard not to fall into a crisis of thought.” Hatano spoke as though he had experienced the same thing. 

 

“I agree, maybe it’s too easy. I was thinking, perhaps I’ve been wasting too much time. When a person has so many questions in mind, the universe does nothing in reply. So then, what’s best for a person - that’s really up to them to decide on their own.” 

 

“People will blindly follow a set of rules or ideologies. But it’s different when you’re consciously making the choice, right? At D-Agency, we were taught to make that choice with reason. I guess now, it’s harmless if you’re simply making a leap of faith too.”

 

“Has that been your way of thinking after leaving?”

 

“More or less. Yuuki gave me a new identity, but I didn’t use it. I thought about what I should do then - how could I pursue something of interest while being Hatano? Nothing special came to mind, but the universe put me back on track again. Things like that happen. I guess I have a little more faith in the world now. What was it called…philosophical suicide? That’s what I’m committing. ”

 

“I remember hearing something like that. For me, that seems to be a good way of looking at life, right now. If I may ask, why did you quit so early?”

 

“Well, I got dragged into the whole business because of Yuuki. Before I was accepted, I was completely lost as to what to do, so I was easily swayed by any suggestion directed towards me. Yuuki convinced me just like that. I didn’t hate what he made me do, but it wasn’t something that I wanted for the rest of my life, either. The state of Japan, the war…why do I have to give a damn? I guess I got bored after a while, and realised I wasn’t patriotic enough to keep going. That’s the gist of it.”

 

“That’s fair enough. I never thought of spying as patriotic, but I suppose you have a point. We risk our lives for this country, but unlike soldiers, there is no recognition of any sort from the top. Well, it’s really not about the recognition and rewards, but the reason D-Agency was formed is probably more patriotic in nature than Yuuki-san would admit.”

 

“That’s right. Remember Odagiri? I was happy for him when he left. At least he knew where he was going.”

 

“He was the first one, wasn’t he? I wonder where he is now…do you know anything?”

 

“No. I’ve only kept contact with Jitsui, and have a vague idea of everyone else’s whereabouts. Of course…you know what Kaminaga is doing.”

 

“Oh? I’ll look into it, then. Kaminaga…it’s ridiculous, but I’m glad he’s enjoying himself…and all the attention. I worry about him, sometimes.”

 

“Tazaki - take care of yourself first before worrying about that attention whore.”

 

“Of course. Talking with you really helped me; thank you, Hatano-kun. By the way, why the glasses?”

 

“Anytime. Someone gave them to me as a present,” he shrugged.

 

“Oh, that makes sense. You still look young as ever.”

 

“Here. I’ll give you this.” Hatano took out an old paperback and handed it to him, “Hope you still know German.” He added. 

 

“I tried to keep up with it. Sure you want to give this to me?”

 

“Doesn’t matter. I’ve stolen a lot of things from Yuuki’s office.”

 

“ _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_. Thank you again…how should I repay you?”

 

“I had a feeling you would like it, that’s all. Do whatever you want.”

 

They made more small talk. Tazaki realised now that conversations with Hatano were always surprisingly easy. The smaller man had a certain charm about him that drew others in. Maybe it was his apathetic, carefree attitude. Tazaki felt as though he could talk to him about anything that came to mind, and the other would hold no judgement towards him, but offer an honest reply - now that they were both “free”.

 

 

thanks for reading :o

i made hatano a drummer because in ep1 he was tapping on the counter as a way of giving signs. big stretch, haha, but i imagine that hatano is good at that kind of thing. and why is he wearing glasses??? idk either

tazaki is a wanderer because um...he was on a train for his ep

next chapter is more lighthearted. about jitsui (hatano is there too)


	2. jigoku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jitsui talks a lot

“Jitsui. I’m here. With someone else.” Hatano called as he unlocked the door to Jitsui’s apartment. That’s right. He had the keys. Tazaki decided maybe they just visited each other too often, so it was easier for them to have the keys to each other’s places. Maybe.

 

“Okay…I made coffee.” A distance voice responded.

 

“I’m not drinking your bird piss.” Hatano retorted. They took off their shoes and stepped in. The hallway was rather long for a small apartment like this.

 

“Fine, you make dinner then.” During this domestic back-and-forth, they walked towards the end and entered the room on the left. Inside, the room was a mess, scattered with sheets of paper.

 

“Ah…you’re still working on that,” Hatano signed. Jitsui had his head down at the table, seemingly drawing something on the paper. “Tazaki’s here.” With that, his head shot up in surprise.

 

“Tazaki! Long time no see. What brings you here?” he dropped his pen and smiled.

 

“Nice to see you too, Jitsui. I wanted to know how everyone’s doing, so…”

 

Jitsui clapped his hands together, “I see. I’m doing well.”

 

Hatano rolled his eyes, “That’s not what he meant. Show him what you’ve been doing, dumbass.”

 

“Ah! Of course. Tazaki, have you seen one of those animated films? There were some propaganda ones made during the war, but animation as an art form in on the rise. I published and completed five volumes of manga last year and am working with another writer at the moment. Anyhow, I wanted to make my own manga into an animated film, although no studio took me up on the offer. I suppose they just don’t understand true masterpieces. Thus, during my spare time, I draw the frames one by one. It’s kind of exhausting, but I’m willing to sacrifice anything for art.”

 

“That’s…you know, you’ve changed quite a bit. What’s you manga about?” Tazaki asked.

 

“He was rejected because the contents were too gory and disturbing.” Hatano explained, “I’m not saying it’s bad, okay? Just the truth.” He softened his voice when Jitsui shot him a glare.

 

“Tazaki, read it only if you’d like to experience true hell.”

 

“…I’ll give it a go.” even though he wasn’t a big fan of this genre, he still wanted to read Jitsui’s hard work.

 

“Of course. It’s a long story. It only gets ‘gory’ and ‘disturbing’ when it needs to. Feel free to read the ones on the shelf.”

 

Hatano had left again, saying he had meet someone. Tazaki picked up the first volume and began to read, skimming through some parts. He didn’t notice anything gory, but the creepy atmosphere was well pronounced through the way it was drawn. Sometimes, the characters’ eyes were done in such way that it looked like they were looking right at the reader. Often, the following dialogue would say something like “it’s time to die”, or ask questions, all seemingly directed towards the reader.

 

“Um…whatever you’re doing, Jitsui, it’s working. I’m kind of spooked out.” Tazaki finally spoke, after spending a few minutes on reading.

 

Jitsui smiled in satisfaction, “Good. Some people willingly put themselves to consume this kind of media. Some read it with fear. Others find it beautiful. I appreciate all kinds of impacts my work present.”

 

“You always wanted to do this? Even back then…?”

 

Tazaki took a seat near the shelf, with a volume in his hands, while Jitsui continued to draw. “Yes. I’ve liked reading from a young age. All kinds of things. Of course, it’s no different than watching the tv, or listening to the radio. Reading is just another way of consuming media. I like it because I have a fascination with the written word. Something about the way the characters look on the page appeals to me. I also like visuals. Take a broken body for an example - no matter how hard I try to describe it, the experience doesn’t come close to seeing it right in front of my eyes. So I needed something close to that. A realistic, visual representation. Manga allowed me to do a combination of both, so I was most interested that. Ah…but you must be wondering why I became a spy, after all. That’s a different matter. It was simply an earlier ambition of mine, when I found a satisfaction in manipulation. I don’t believe I hid these tendencies very well in D-Agency, so it probably comes as no surprise. What about you? Do you still like birds, and such animals?”

 

“Yes…animals are fun to be around with -“

 

“You should see Hatano’s cat then. _It_ hates me, for some reason. Just so you know, when he says he has to meet someone, he means that.”

 

“Oh…? You two must be close.”

 

“Yes, in fact - I would like be with everyone again. Hatano and I just happened to end up in the same area. There wasn’t any point in denying the sense of attachment that grew during those times now, so we became friends. Also…I heard you travelled for a few years. What’s next on the agenda?”

 

“No idea, really. I have, no idea.”

 

“You have to do something extraordinary, then. Hatano’s taking it easy, but he always does that. You know what his dream is? To live somewhere in the woods, far away from everyone else so he can play the drums, paint, do whatever the hell he liked without interference. I don’t understand it. How he doesn’t need an audience, or give a crap about anything. Anyway, it’s always the same for people like us. There’s a spark of something there, but you have to wait for it to lit up the entire abyss. Then all of sudden you’re inspired to do the thing you’ve always wanted to do and you’re running around the forest, crazy and amazed. Don’t you feel like that?”

 

“Hm… _people like us_ , you mean people who are passionate about something? I wonder what it is. It sounds strange, but I feel like I’ve forgotten it, or lost it altogether.”

 

“Even when you were a spy. Didn’t you like the feeling of having achieved something, relying solely on your own abilities?”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I liked that kind of feeling. Although, sometimes in the back of my mind, there was a desire to just live a normal life. It would come so easily, and yet - I knew I couldn’t do it.”

 

“Oh…I see. Then like I said, you have to wait for the flame to come to you.”

 

“Intangible feelings such as this cannot be ferociously chased, as much as one craves it. Is that the right idea? After I see everyone, I’m going to have good talk with myself and see what happens.”

 

“Sounds good. If you’re still lost, you can come be my assistant ♥︎ perhaps when you do something you hate, you can realise the things that you truly like.”

 

“Ah…I’ll hold you to that. Thank you.”

 

A future full of black solitude…? Even though he was no longer in a mission, pretending to be someone else, he had felt the same hollowness eating away at him, like an unescapable curse.

 

 _Do something extraordinary._ Jitsui always held high expectations of everyone. As his friend, and someone who respected him, Tazaki wanted to fulfil his criterium.


End file.
